Unresolved

I don't know how many times I've commented about how "things never work out as your plan." Sometimes when things don't work out as I plan, I take comfort in knowing that "God has a bigger plan and I should just trust in him". But other times when something that was definitely not part of "the plan" comes completely out of left field, I just get frustrated. And angry. And want to disconnect from God and whatever "plan" he might have completely.

Sometimes it just seems easier to not have a plan or be following anything... but to just apathetically mosey through life and see where that leads. But I've noticed that even if I don't have all of the details planned out, I'm still expecting that my mosey will be somewhat hassle-free, painless and possibly slight enjoyable. Is that really too much to ask?

By not having any hopes or expectations, I guess that I think I'm leaving the door open for pleasant surprises. But apparently sometimes I leave the back door open and disappointment and sorrow slip in.

When life seems to get you down, people tend to say, "Things can only go up from here." But what if they keep going down? What if you think you're at rock bottom and then the bottom drops out?

I guess that's when you realize that you're experiencing real life. Sometimes you walk through the desert alone. Sometimes people aren't who you thought they were. Sometimes you aren't as perfect as you thought you were. Sometimes other people get what you want. Sometimes the ideal is unattainable. Sometimes babies aren't born completely healthy. Sometimes amazing people unexpectedly die way too young. Sometimes you are slapped with the reality of how messed up this world is.

I think this is where I'm supposed to wrap up my complicated thoughts into a hopeful little package. And say "but this is what I've learned..." or "at least we can hold on to this promise..." But sometimes life's complexities are left unresolved. For a month. For a year. Forever. I guess what I'm saying is: we've been promised nothing. And there are definitely times in life when that's what you get: nothing. And I guess it's ok to sit in the reality of nothingness. And eventually you get up and keep moseying.

Blue Like Jazz

Last week, I went to the viewing of Blue Like Jazz (the movie) at Reed College. I felt insecure and out of place among the hundreds of mostly non-Christian college kids. In the words of Don Miller: “My dad says life is like jazz because it doesn't resolve... But what if we're not alone?... What if all these stars are notes on a page of music, swirling in the blue... like jazz..."